The Designer’s Dilemma: Reframing “I’m OK, You’re Not OK”

It’s what transactional analysis calls a position of “I’m OK, You’re Not OK.”

Designers often find themselves here when they feel unheard, undervalued, or misunderstood by their business or engineering counterparts. From their perspective, these other teams “just don’t get it.” They don’t value the craft. They don’t see the nuance. They make reactive decisions. They cut corners.

When you care deeply about quality, about the user, about long-term thinking, this can be incredibly frustrating. And so, over time, some designers start to subtly — or not so subtly — withdraw. They stop trying to explain. They grow cynical. They position themselves as the only grown-ups in the room.

It’s a protective move. And it’s understandable. But it’s also limiting.

The Flip Side: “I’m Not OK, You’re OK”

Then there’s the other common pattern. Designers who feel like they’re constantly swimming upstream. Like they’re not being taken seriously because they don’t speak the same language as their peers. They shrink in meetings. They second-guess themselves. They assume the problem is them — that if only they had an MBA or could quote LTV/CAC ratios, they might finally be invited into the conversation.

This mindset — “I’m Not OK, You’re OK” — often masks imposter syndrome. But it’s also a form of learned helplessness. Designers with this stance stop asking for what they need. They start avoiding conflict. And worst of all, they begin to believe their intuition and creative problem-solving don’t belong in serious business conversations.

The Challenge — and the Opportunity

Both of these stances are understandable. But neither leads to productive partnership. And that’s really the heart of it. The most effective designers — especially those operating at the leadership or founder level — learn to cultivate a different stance entirely:

“I’m OK. You’re OK.”

This mindset doesn’t mean you always agree. It doesn’t mean letting bad decisions slide or pretending design doesn’t matter. It means approaching your peers with curiosity and compassion, even when you’re frustrated. It means assuming good intent. It means recognising that while you may have different tools, you’re ultimately trying to solve the same problems — and you need each other to do it well.

From this position, you can advocate without being defensive. You can challenge decisions without creating division. You can build real influence — not just through the brilliance of your ideas, but through the strength of your relationships.

Getting There

So how do you move from “I’m OK, You’re Not OK” or “I’m Not OK, You’re OK” to something more balanced?

Start by noticing. Which stance do you tend to fall into under stress? With which teams? In what situations?

Then ask yourself:

• What am I assuming about the other person here?

• What might they be assuming about me?

• What would it look like to approach this with mutual respect?

Finally, build bridges. Invite your partners into your world. Show them the “why” behind your design decisions. Ask questions about what success looks like to them. You may be surprised by how often values align once you move beyond the stereotypes.

Design is inherently collaborative. If we want to design better products, services, and systems, we need to design better relationships too. And that starts with a simple — but powerful — belief:

I’m OK. You’re OK. Now, let’s figure this out together.